Understanding

"I hope my true muthafuckas know, this be the realist shit I ever wrote" - Tupac

Those who read this blog on the regular know and understand how I feel about the SO. I dedicated several posts to her sharing with the outside world, how special she is to me and how much I care.

So to be fair and not to front like everything is always rosey and peaches and cream, I had to share went things weren't so good. So in my previous post, I did that.

To rehash, I fucked up a week or so ago. I made a mistake and upset the SO. It was, in the year or so we've known each other. The first "argument" we've ever had. It was my fault and I took and continue to take responsibility.

Now, because we have never had been in that situation, we really didn't know how the other person would react. Sure, we've had discussions of "past" situations and that gave each of us an idea of what to expect. But, until it happened we really didn't grasp it.

Naturally, for me, I wanted to quickly correct the problem. I shared with a few of my friends that in the days since, I've rewritten the book on apologies. And I have. That, and vowing to look at things I can change about myself that I know are not where they should be. Not that I haven't been doing so all along, but sometimes, things happen that open your eyes and put things in perspective.

For me, while not trying to dismiss or ignore what happened, it was squashed.

But I'm a guy and we're stupid.

She was hurting and rightfully so. While she tried not to be upset, the waterpark was open for business. Despite my attempts to make her smile and show her I was genuinely sorry, the pain was still there and it showed. The guy in me tried to figure out whether what I did was that bad. She validated it by putting it in the top five worst things of all time. For me, I thought that was bullshit. But I respected what she was saying.

In what I thought was a knee-jerk reaction, she suggested that maybe we needed to take some time apart so I could "grow" In this time, I could figure out "who I was individually" and do some self examination. Admittedly, it caught me off guard, but she was very adimant about it. She got reinforcement from her best friend that, in this situation, she would do the same thing as well.

Hearing that put me in a "What the fuck" state of mind. In know way, ladies, was I trying to ignore the fact that I messed up, because I did. But to me, I was given a 50 to life sentence for a parking violation. Was that fair? In my mind, no. For me, I was like look at my record, your honor. Never since we met, had I given her any reason to question my motives, but nonetheless, I needed time to "grow"

"Go to your room and think about it, and get at me later"

Perhaps the fact that I'm younger and still maturing doesn't allow me to see the "big" picture. But is there really a big picture to see? What happened to working through your problems together? No, you need a couple of months to grow up young man.

So, because I saw the passion in what she was saying and suggesting, I abliged. In my mind, I was just going to get the fuck out of the way. I wasn't going to call, be around, come visit or anything. Was I going to stop caring, no. Did this mean that my love and affection would cease. No. Because this was not something, I understood, nor wanted to do.

So, for all of 2 days, I tried, but because I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be doing or where we stood, I had to call and seek clarification. So I did, going against everything I'd set out to accomplish during my "timeout" I had to know for myself.

And while she tried her bestest to explain things to me, I was still confused and because of that frustrated me more. To make a long story short (ha!) we decided maybe this wasn't the best thing for us.

I'm straddling the fence on this. In her eyes, I saw passion and sterness when she shared that this is what she thought was the best decision. And part of me thinks we gave up.

But aside from the fact that I disagree and don't see how this will benefit me, I was fearful about how this would affect our relationship. While it's easy to say "oh, in a couple of months, everything we'll be fine and we can revisit it" Quite frankly, to me that's bullshit. In my mind, does this mean, in the future every time we have a beef, she'll want to "disconnect" for a while. How healthy is that.

So to those who read this, please let me know if I'm totally off base here. I'm not perfect and never have claimed to be. All I want is undertanding. Because right now, although we're trying, I'm completely lost.