Lost One II

Currently vibin' to "Teach Me"

I'm hard on myself.

I know this. I understand this. I continuously try to not be...as hard at least.

I srtive to be the best at everything, understanding that if I fall short it's not going to be because of a lack of effort. Michael Jordan once said, "I can accept failure, I can't accept not trying." I agree with this 100 percent and try to live by these words.

The problem that lies with trying so hard all the time is that by trying to do everything in order and make people happy, I miss out on some of the simple things - things that should be commmon sense.

I ask myself "What went wrong?"

With that in mind, one of the beautiful things about relationships is being able to start off as two individuals and grow collectively as one. Part of growing together is being able to learn one another. Learning their tendencies, what makes them happy, what makes them sad. Understanding when to act and when to just fall back. As with anything, you don't get in right the first time. It takes time and in many cases you have to mess up or fall off the bike a couple of times before you get it right. For some people, the learning curve is smaller. For others, it takes a bit longer to fully understand your significant other. Part of that steams from the fact that a lot of learning comes from experience. Until you are in a situation to learn how one reacts, you don't know.

It takes patience. But yet and still, as a young grasshopper, I still find myself lost from time to time. I want to understand. I want to be able to be the man. I want to make her happy. It's not that she's not, because she is. I guess sometimes I'm unsure. Once again, I'm probably too hard on myself.


As I stated in an earlier post, learning and understanding the female species will take forever, but in the meantime you want to have a good understanding. You want your significant other to be confident in you. YOu don't want to be walking on eggshells lost. The funny thing is, when I'm confident, I'm 100 percent that way. When I'm unsure, I'm the complete opposite. I hide behind my uncertainty. My confidence wavers. I need to work on that.

Sometimes I try so hard to make "her" happy that when something goes askew, I get down on myself, but I'm learning. I'm understanding better her emotions and her likes and dislikes. I'm realizing that just because it doesn't seem to me that she's content, it doesn't mean I have to come in a save the day all the time. It just means she's not outwardly showing that.

As time passes and different situations arise, I will have a better understanding, because I'm asking questions in an effort to become a better man. As time passes, I won't be concerned with being bothersome. I won't be concerned with being to over the top. I'll know how to handle myself and will have the confidence to do so. It will take time, but I'm will to work.

I figure, if I put for the effort, I figure out the way. And I don't figure it out, I hope she'll forgive me for being lost.

T.G.I.F.

There are days when you just feel good and dammit, today is one of them. I just do. It probably stems from the wonderful evening I had with her yesterday and that feeling just carried over through the night and into this morning. And plus, it's a toasty 80-something degree day here in Connecticut and there are only a few clouds in the sky. And on top of that, it's Memorial Day weekend, the unofficial kickoff to the summer. I have no official plans like going to the beach or throwing a cookout, but the thought of just being able to relax without having to work on Monday, does my heart good.

So, on this Friday, I'm siced beyond belief. I'm in a good mood. The best way to describe this time of the year is in the above video of Will Smith's classic, Summertime. I just need a break from the norm. I'm thankful today is Friday and all though Fridays now pale in comparison to Fridays when I was younger, I still look forward to them with anticipation because you never know what the weekend will bring and I can't wait for this one to begin.


Other stuff...

- One of my friends from college recently broke up with her boyfriend. Like many, I thought they would be together forever, but everything happens for a reason. She was sharing with me how she wanted to rip up all the cards and stuff he had given to her over the time they were together and I quickly interjected and said no. I explained to her, that, just because you're not together anymore, doesn't erase those moments in which things were lovely and you two shared something special and you shouldn't forget that. Granted things have changed but don't let that make you forget about the good times you shared. I know from experience.

- Sometimes I feel unhip because I don't watch much television. I've very methodical and usually stick to a certain routine everyday. I usually just watch ESPN, CNN, Law and Order, the Jamie Foxx Show and sporting events. So, I'm completely lost when I here friends and coworkers talking about the Wire, the Sopranos and American Idol. I'm just not committed enough to have myself in front of the t.v. whenever they come on. Oh well.

A lifelong learning experience...

At an early age, my dad and granddad told me something to the effect of, once you get that first taste, you'll be chasing it for the rest of your life. Of course, they were referring to the female species. It's something that I plan on sharing with my boys, because no truer words have ever been spoken. Whether it's getting a hug in church from that older girl in the youth choir or some fresh thang stealing a kiss from you on the playground in elementary school, once you get that attention from that attention from the opposite sex at an early age and realize how it makes you feel on the inside, you'll after it, and more, forever.

But as us young men get older, reality sets in, much to our surprise. While flirting, getting numbers and trying to get some is all well and good and a part of growing up, somewhere along the line, we missed the memo about dealing with the emotional part of the female species. Part of me wants to think that this is God showing us his sense of humor. Kind of like his way of telling and showing us who really runs things. So when we have to dealing with that time of the month, pregnancies and just the weird emotions our lovely mothers, sisters, significant others go through, the clueless blank stare on our faces are to be expected.

"She" told me last night that where men mess up is when we attempt to fix everything. I understood completely. It is in our nature to be protectors, providers and in control of situations. It can be a gift and a curse. So when a smile is not on her face, when she doesn't appear content, we panic and don't know what to do. Sure, she says she's ok, but we don't believe it, or at least we're not sure. We hear the verbal, but the visual is not adding up. So we press the issue, which can make the situation work and all we're left with is awkward silences and still, not knowing what to do. So we go to the other room, we pick up the controllers to the playstation, we leave. We wait for that smile or giggle that lets us know all is well to return. Until then we wait - dumbfounded.

For whatever reason, I tend to think I can cure all things, like I'm Clark Kent or something. When what I need to do, is back off and relax a bit. I think all men should as well. Not saying we shouldn't be attentive, but have a better understanding of when to and when not to try and be a hero.

Women are naturally complicated, in a good way. It's part of their makeup. It's part of what makes them special. Us men will never get it, but for me, I think if we at lease are putting forth the effort to understand and learn, we should get some credit, right? My friend EJ suggests it's impossible for a woman to figured out. I like to think nothing is impossible, but I do know it will be a lifelong learning experience.

The countdown begins...

As I sit at my desk this morning, doing work here and there, the date on my computer and desk calendar reads May 22. What may be just another Tuesday to you, is a tad more important to me. You see, it's now less than one month to June 19, my 25th birthday. Those who have reached this milestone understand its importance. 25 is the quarter-century mark. It's halfway to 50. It's a point when your life should be looked at from a different perspective. It's time to really grow up.

For a young black man, the statistics say as I approach 25 I'm supposed to be either locked up or dead. Well, I've never been arrested and I ain't dead yet. To say I'm lucky would be an understatement. For 24 years and 11 months, I've been extremely blessed and am thankful for each passing day. Every once in a while, I wipe the dust off my old yearbook and take a look at the pictures of my former classmates. At last count, at least 10 out of a class of about 200 weren't around anymore. I easily think about how I could've have been one of them. So much left to be done, so much work unfinished.

With age, comes more responsibility and the opportunity to form your own identity. You have the opportunity to finally "grow up" so to speak. But in many cases, your parents or whoever you were raised may have a problem letting go. It's not a bad thing, but it can be hard for the people who have cared and provided for you the first 25 years, to realize that you're grow and on your own. So while growing up can be rough on you, letting go can be equally as hard for your family. What I've said to my parents and others is simple. You've raised me a certain way and laid the foundation for my life. Now, as I approach 25, if I mess up, it's on me. If, at 25, I forget all the values and morals my family instilled in me, there's nobody to blame but myself.

So, as I prepare for 25, I'm ready for the new responsibilites. I'm prepared to become a more mature person. To "grow up". I understand that when one hits "mid-20s" their outlook on life changes. Playtime is over. I've been doing a lot of thinking about where I am at 24 and what 25 will bring. Looking back and in talking with friends, I already see how my life has changed from 22 and 23. What 25 will bring, is yet to be seen.

Mama's Day

Above is a picture of everyone's favorite t.v. mom, Phylicia Rashad, better known as Claire Huxtable.

So this Sunday, May 13, is Mother's Day. A day in which we run to Wal-Mart late on Saturday night to buy $4 cards that will be collecting dust in about a week. A day when churches will be filled will sons, daughters, cousins and friends who only show up on Easter and around Christmas. More than likely, Mom won't cook on Sunday. She'll be taken out to some random restaurant and her bill will likely be paid for. Before you know it, it will be Monday, she'll be back to work and back to having to deal with her bad ass kids.

With that said, what does Mother's Day really mean? Realistically, it is a day set aside for us to honor the mother figures in our lives. Whether it's our birth mother, step mother, grandmother, aunt or baby mama, it's important that we take sometime to express our love and especially our appreciation for them. Often times, we take mama for granted, because she's always been there. She's always had our back when we needed her. For that reason, Mother's Day shouldn't just be one day, it should be everyday.

Now, I'm not saying we don't need a holiday. There's nothing wrong with setting one day aside to "officially" show mom dukes how much she means to us, but too often, in between the second Sunday of May each year, we don't do enough to show how much she really means to us. Mothers are the first person we see, the first one we touch, the first person we feel connected too. For some, they are the only parent to ever be in their life. And for others, mom was taken away from them far too soon, before they were able to get to know her and say "thank you" for our life.

As we get older, we begin to notice things about ourselves that have naturally come from our mothers. The way we look, the way we think, the way we walk and talk. It's amazing and often times makes us chuckle because we she her in us. Our values have been instilled in us. The lessons she has taught us will be forever embedded, along with the switch and belts she laid in our rear ends. From the time we were born and for as long as we have her around, we know if we're hurt, whether it's a scratch from falling off a bike or when we struggle with our senior thesis, she'll be there to kiss is and make it better.

This is nothing against fathers, because they are indeed special too. But there's something about a mother's touch that can't be replace. Her voice is the sweetest and she'll always be the most beautiful woman in the world to us. I love my mommy for all the above reasons. She's always been there for me and I appreciate that. So, if you're fortunate enough to still have your mother around, take the time out and do something special for her this weekend.

Happy Mother's Day!

He ain't through wit' me yet...

God has a unique of reminding us who is in charge. When we get in our comfort zone, we can often lose track of that. We get comfortable with our jobs, our relationships and just with everyday life. And while we know he's there, we often take our blessings for granted. I have often wondered when my "wake up" call would come. You see, while I know him, I could do better. I know I fall short in certain areas, but for whatever reason, I think I'll have time to clean up my act. I've seen other people have death in the family get their attention. Others have had serious car accidents open their eyes. Fortunately for me, none of those things have happened. But I know, in due time, something was going to come along.

And sure enough, it did.

This afternoon I had some down time at work. So I decided to scoot down to the closest Bank of America and deposit a check. Usually, I go through the drive thru, do my business and go about my day. But on this particular day, I had a pretty large check my mom had sent me and I wanted to deposit it face-to-face. So, as I and the teller were having small talk as she did her thing, some random guy comes flying through the door and jumps on the counter.

"Everybody get down!"

Oh shit, I thought. This can't be happening. Not here. Not now.

He turned my way and I didn't know at that point whether he had a gun or not, but I knew he had something, so I just hit the floor, ducked and admittedly, waited for the pop. I saw the guy clear the counter and head for the teller by the drive thru window. Being less than 20 feet from he door I knew I had a good five seconds, at best, to make it to the door. Now, I'm not bank robbery savvy, but I know you're not supposed to draw attention to yourself, but I thought now or never. I had to get the hell out of dodge.

I turned, and with a squat-crawl, scooted for the door and didn't look back.

I made it!

But, in my duckin' down for cover and in my hast to get out, I left my keys and license on the counter to I still was stuck. I ran to the florist next door and told them to call 911 because the bank was being robbed. Apparently, whoever was at the window when the robbery saw it, had called police and they were already on the way.

Whoever it was was able to get away on a motorcycle and thankfully, nobody was hurt. I was an experience I will never forget, but for whatever reason, it hasn't really bothered me. I was able to get everything back, talk to the cops and continue with my day. As I shared my story with a couple of people, they told me they were glad I was alright and one person in particular said: "Someone was praying for you"


I have no doubt I am what I am because of the prayers of others. In this situation, it made me think even harder about where I've come from and what's left for me. When that man turned towards me, he could have easily pulled the trigger and if not killed me, he could've injured me pretty bad, but he didn't. When I went for the door, he could have shot me, but he didn't. For whatever reason, I was spared and am able to talk about it today. For that I'm thankful. After the fact, I said to myself, I know this wasn't where it was going to end. I wasn't about to let that happen. Not this day at least. I couldn't have imagined the look on my mother's face has she received a call from the police. I couldn't accept the fact that I wouldn't be able to see "her" again.

Our day will come when it will be "game over" for us. But for me, I was able to keep going, without a scratch. I have a lot left to do. And, I plan on making the best of it.

So don't trip, cuz he ain't through with me yet.